Whether you’ve already retired to your “girlfriend’s” Issan country village to open a shitty sports bar or whether you’re still auditioning Third World prostitutes to find your lucky bride, a good sexpat look doesn’t just happen. it’s the result of many carefully arranged details, each of which must express “No one in their right mind would ever fuck me for free”.

For those of you unclear on how to be a “handsum man”, I’m gonna break it down:

A revealing tank top

(image source: Stickman Bangkok)

While no one would complain about seeing Justin Timberlake or Rain rocking a tank top, a true sexpat wears a tank top on a body better suited to hijabs or whatever Baron Harkonen wears.

Crappy 6$ Tesco velcro sandals

Clothes make the man, but shoes make the outfit. The footwear of choice for discerning sexpats is 6$ velcro sandals from Tesco. They’re ugly, but what do you care? It’s not like you can see your feet over that beergut anyways.

Size XXXL cargo shorts

(Image src: Stickman Bangkok)

You’re already fat, now you can look fat and lumpy by rocking some cargo shorts and loading up the pockets until they sag.

Question: If I’m not fat, can I still pull off a sexpat look?

While being morbidly obese is the quickest way to make yourself as unattractive as possible, if you simply can’t make yourself eat enough Sizzlers, you can always resort to a really offensive tattoo (like the fellow teacher at my friend’s workplace who had a tatoo of a dwarf giving the finger — wouldn’t you want that dude teaching your kids?), or a 4-foot smelly long grey ponytail.

Or you could just try looking like this dude:

(src: Stickman Bangkok)

An Issan “girlfriend”
The most important fashion accessory for any sexpat is an Issan “girlfriend” so ugly by Thai standards that a Thai man wouldn’t fuck her with a Cambodian guy’s dick.

(img src: Stickman Bangkok)

Neck fat
I don’t know what’s up with sexpats having neck fat, but it seems to be important.

horrors of thailand

Carrying around a beergut all day makes a man feel one-sided. That’s why you want to strap on a giant backpack full of whatever like you’re a 12-year old going to school.

A hatred of Western women:
Don’t miss an occasion to proclaim that Western women are all fat, stuck-up slappers. (But don’t let your mother hear you.)

(source: Stickman Bangkok)

Hookers go with everything:
Whether it’s job interviews, dinner with co-workers, renewing your visa at immigration or going to church, a Thai prostitute, sorry, “girlfriend”, complements every occasion.

Your wallet
From the point of view of your Issan “girlfriend”, this is THE MOST important feature of your wardrobe.

(img src: Stickman Bangkok)